Love and Autism: How to Be Single, Date, and Have Relationships When You Have a Child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder

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Love and Autism
How to Be Single, Date, and Have Relationships When You Have a Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder
Christina Adams
Author, “A Real Boy: A True Story of Autism, Early Intervention and Recovery” www.christinaadamswriter.com
There Are Many Single Special-Needs Parents
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More common for parents of kids with disabilities to split up Most disabled kids live with their mothers Many fathers have shared custody Most people remarry eventually
“Who Will Ever Love Me Now?”
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Should you worry about being rejected because of your child? Eventually most people date again Other people have problems too It’s all about the right match
You and Your Child are Valuable and Have Much to Offer
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You have a special family Facing autism has made you a better person You deserve respect and love Your unique strengths and weaknesses are attractive to others You are loveable You can still be sexy too!
Dating and Relationships Offer Important New Life Experiences
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Healing Self-discovery Excitement Taking risks Having fun Rewarding
Start with Healing
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Self-healing is an important and continual process Recovery from old patterns is essential A former partner with ASD may have created challenges for you
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Cassandra Syndrome Stress and guilt will pass with long-term understanding
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Stress of divorce or break-up
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First Things First: Practical Considerations
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Basic financial needs
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Employment Child and spousal support Leave time to date
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Custody arrangements
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Creative babysitting Make a list of your desires and goals
Date Yourself First
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Update yourself
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Have fun
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Wardrobe Appearance Health and fitness Living space
Activities Friends Education Spirituality Personal growth
How to Meet People
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Internet
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Attracting the right person Screening out the wrong person
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Activities and groups Public places
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Supermarkets, parks, etc.
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Work Education Volunteering
Who Should I Date?
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Has the basics
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Employment Stability
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Family-oriented Truthful/trustworthy Open-minded Patient
Who Not to Date
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Players Anyone with psychological problems Controlling or overly demanding Substance abusers People with poor impulse control Anyone you wouldn’t trust with your child
Conscious Dating
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Learn about contemporary dating: there are many ways to date Be aware of who you’re dating and why Maintain your boundaries Keep a journal of your dates and your impressions and thoughts
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Include any red flags Listen to your intuition…
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But not your fears
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Don’t commit prematurely but be open to possibilities
When to Tell Dates About Your Child
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By second or third date – diagnosis By tenth date
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Real-life details Let them meet your child as a friend Financial details Parental time required Long-term issues for child (lifetime)
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When things get serious:
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…Remember to ask about date’s serious life issues.
The Stages of Dating
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First few weeks – getting to know each other First three months – make it or break it Three to six months
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make it or break it (Part 2) social pressures If you don’t agree on the future, you probably don’t have one
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One Year –
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What To Tell Your Child
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Depends on child’s functioning level
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Higher functioning children may express feelings verbally and behaviorally Lower functioning children may show behavioral changes or act out nonverbally
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All children need an explanation; some more than others
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Asperger children may ask a lot of personal in-depth questions Keep explanations simple and ageappropriate Be honest: they will sense your feelings
What You Need To Know
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Emotional risks
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For you Your child Your ex Your potential partner Physical precautions and realities
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Safe sex: it’s important
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Potential Partners Must Understand Your Child
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Persons with ASD are very sensitive
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To change To emotions Proceed slowly Partners can be positive role models Role model a healthy relationship Create a more positive environment for child
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Benefits to your child(ren)
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Any potential partner must be willing and able to coparent
Issues for Couples to Address
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Discipline Caretaking Finances Special diets and physical needs Custody problems Special educational needs
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Best school district, where to live Legal counsel
Remarriage: Is It Desirable or Even Possible?
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Address needs of blended family
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Slow and steady for emotional stability Might take a while but can work eventually All children (NT and ASD) can benefit from sibling interaction Financial considerations
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Spousal support Shared expenses
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Two parents are better than one!
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More people to help and love your child
Life Doesn’t Have To Be All About Autism
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You deserve a full life
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Don’t wait for your child to grow up… that could be a long time!
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Your child deserves a healthy and happy parent Your child is a real child…who happens to have ASD
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A potential step-child A sibling
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Have a great time and enjoy your life!
Love and Autism
How to Be Single, Date, and Have Relationships When You Have a Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder
Christina Adams
Author, “A Real Boy: A True Story of Autism, Early Intervention and Recovery” www.christinaadamswriter.com