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I often say that I wish there were two of me but that the world has a difficult enough time coping with but one. I do so wish that I could boast Lin, the mother warrior of all things autism and Lin, the person that must join the ranks of the world as we know it. The world where you earn a pay check, care for your family and home, contribute to society and are considered a productive asset to your community. For me, it is near impossible to be both. Autism demands entirely too much time and attention. You or least I end up choosing one over the other. I chose my son, who has autism. When I chose to dedicate myself to his affliction and to helping him, to healing him to the very best of my ability, I had to give up much of the other world.

I am very saddened today. I am sad that I must return to the real world, to my usual existence. In less than a week’s time, I return to work. It is not my job that makes me sad or even having to work. What saddens me is the reality that I will have much less time to devote to what I have come to do best, fight for our loved ones with autism and their families.

I can’t say as though I love the fight; I honestly despise it. I can’t say as though I care for the fact that the battles continue on all fronts or that very little real progress has been made either. It saddens me that siege after unending siege is a fulltime job with very little pay or recognition. The truth be known, for the majority of us on the front lines of the war against autism, there is no pay or recognition. What I do benefit from is the fact that I am making difference. Not only that I am making a difference but that I am ABLE to make a difference. It somehow gives me peace, knowing that I am doing everything possible to make a difference in the lives of families with autism. The families to whom I am akin, the families I have come to know and love.

I am also angry today. Soooo many things to be angry about! I am angry because it shouldn’t be this way! It needn’t be this way! Had our government not become accustomed to sitting on their hands, turning the other cheek or worse, turning a blind eye, we would not be in this predicament today. We would not have this tsunami of children with autism. We would not have school systems overburdened and underequipped for the already mammoth body of ASD students. We would not have a perpetual tidal wave of children with autism who are not prepared to become adults being forced into a world with fewer services and more uncertainties. A world completely incompetent and unprepared to meet their never ending needs. We would not have adults with autism whose needs are already lacking and not being met. We would not have a population who calls themselves neurodiverse that has grown so large and so loud, who serve only themselves and serve to destroy any chance at a bright, full future for our less fortunate loved ones with autism. You see they, the NDs, have the luxury of sitting at home collecting government benefits from the comfort of their favorite chair while surfing the web, making waves and spewing mind controlling tactives to any vulnerable newcomer without the wherewithal to ignore them. They don’t stop and think about from whence the money comes nor from whence it will undoubtedly end. A luxury not enjoyed by parents of children with autism. We foresee the future for our children afflicted by autism. A future where the money has dried up and there is little to nothing left for those we love and care for. Where will they go? Who will care for them? What will become of them? How will they survive? We would not have a vast populace of parents fretting over and fearing for the futures and wellbeing of their loved ones, their flesh and blood, their sweat and tears. Parents in tumultuous turmoil with their heads held high and their hearts hung low, their children having been hung out to dry by those once trusted to serve and protect them.

So, today I am sad and angry. I am both sad and angry that I am not afforded the ability to continue to work fulltime on the one cause, which matters to me the most….my son. The cause that chose us, chose our family, and possibly yours. The cause to which I, in return, chose to be a productive, contributing member. I guess no one ever said life would be easy, but does it have to be so unequivocally unfair?