A Dad's Strength
This is one of the hardest things for me to write and share with possibly thousands of people that I don’t know. However, if it helps one father, one family, and one child then it was all worth it.
Many people ask me, “Are you a Dad?” “No,” I respond but I have 40 children that I work with each day. I have been working with children on the spectrum for the last 5 years and most recently work at a school for children with autism, where we serve children from ages 5-21. There of nearly 70 employees I am one of 5 males that work with the children.
Over the years I have spoke with many moms and fewer dads. All have been inspirational for me to keep me moving forward in what I want to do. But routinely I talk with moms and they tell me about the struggle with their husbands “lack of involvement.”
Dads…hear me out. I am sure you have heard your wives say something similar to this, maybe in harsher terms. But let me try to help you. I realize that we (males) are different in our emotions. But your child was given to you to make an impact in their lives, much like I was given to work with your children. Yes, I know I don’t have a child at home with me, screaming, biting, kicking, seizing or God knows what else. But for the eight hours a day that I am at school I may be changing a diaper of a 14 year old, getting bit, poked, trying to help a child in a seizure and so on. Yes, they are not my child but I treat them as they are.
Dads..maybe you are now saying to yourself, this guy doesn’t know what it feels like to lose something, the humiliation that I feel, how depressed I am but I can relate.
When I was a child I was taken advantage of, and didn’t realize any of this till my early twenties. I was humiliated, depressed, felt at fault, I didn’t know what to do. I was lost, didn’t want to talk to anyone and thought that I could fix the problem myself. I can’t explain how wrong I was.
This anger, depression and everything I felt inside needed to come out, but in a responsible, mature manner. For almost two years it never did. My actions not only affected myself, my business, my business partners, my relationships and the children I was working with. I thought I was being a man by trying to fix it myself, but I was truly being a coward. Men are not cowards.
Finally, thanks to some incredible people in my life, I was able to find help. I went to talk with a therapist. OH NO! DID I JUST USE THE T-WORD? Dads, lets be honest, we all have issues, you, your wife, your co-worker, and your dad etc…we all need to talk to someone.
As I sat with the therapist for nearly three hours, I explained my story, my feelings and cried non-stop. I knew this is what I needed but it was just cracking the surface. Dad’s if you do decide to go talk with someone, unrelated to your family and friends, what you must realize is that everything will not be fixed in one-session. It takes time, you can’t rush it. It took me nearly 3 years and I still go, just not as often.
Dads are you now saying, we don’t have the money for that? I promise you that if you told your wife what you were doing and why, each of you would find some means to get the money. She doesn’t want go through this battle alone. She needs you and you need her.
As I said earlier I am working at a school for children with autism and being a male it is incredible to see the response that I get from some of the children. Other teachers and therapists (females) tell me daily that it is so good for the kids to have a male around. The impact that a male can have is different from that of a female, whether it be in your child’s recovery or your voice at an IEP meeting.
Dad’s you may not know the impact you can have on your child. See them for the capabilities not disabilities, be apart of their world, and they just may enter yours.
- David Geslak's blog
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David, thank you for standing
David, thank you for standing up and sharing your experiences. Your fight to save yourself and your fight to help our children are both wonderful examples of what it means to be a man.
I would like to make you an honorary dad. So, in the future if someone asks if you are a dad you can tell them you are an Honorary AutismOne Dad.
Dads often don't realize how important they are. While the list below does not specifically cover autism I believe dads' impact is even greater for children on the spectrum.
Here are a few reasons dads are important, too.
•The more frequently a father visited the hospital of an infant who is prematurely born, the more rapidly the infant gained weight and the more quickly the infant was able to leave the hospital.
•More important, the more the father visited, the better was the infant's social-personal development and its ability to adapt.
•In a study of black infants, the more interaction the boy had with the father, the higher his mental competence and psychomotor functioning by the age of six months.
•By the age of three years, psychomotor functioning is associated with the development of a higher I.Q.
•Psychologists at the National Institutes of Mental Heath have found that boys who have contact with their fathers display a greater trust level even by the time they are five to six months old.
•We usually think of empathy as something transmitted via the mother. Thus one of the most surprising findings about father involvement is that "the amount of time a father spends with a child is one of the strongest predictors of empathy in adulthood."
•Students from father-present families score higher in math and science even when they come from weaker schools.
•First-grade black and white children of both sexes raised in father-absent families recorded significantly lower I.Q. scores than those with fathers present.
•A study of boys from similar backgrounds revealed that by the third grade, the boys with fathers present scored higher on every achievement test and received higher grades.
•Elementary-school children living without their dads did worse on twenty-one of twenty-seven social-competence measures and eight out of nine academic measures. They were also more likely to repeat grades, were absent more frequently, and were less popular with their peers. Overall the boys suffered more than the girls.
•Children living without dads were more likely to be absent from school and to have more suspensions, more expulsions, and a higher rate of truancy.
•The area of achievement most negatively impacted by father absence was math and science aptitude.
•The Harvard Educational Review suggests that fathers seem to help children develop the thinking skills that lead to success in math.
•Students coming from father-present families score higher in math and science, even when they come from weaker schools.
•Students from father-absent homes score "dramatically" lower on college entrance examinations and are 1.5 times more likely to be unemployed, not only in their teens, but well into their mid-twenties.
•The more the father is involved, the more easily the child makes open, receptive, and trusting contact with new people in his/her life.
•In an extensive Guidubaldi study of elementary-school children, children without fathers are likely to have more nightmares, have greater anxiety, be less popular with peers, and be more hostile to adults. They were more likely to be dependent, inattentive, and either aggressive, withdrawn, or both. They were poorer at social skills in general and communication in particular.
•The most important factor by far in preventing drug use is a close personal relationship with Dad.
•Ninety percent of homeless or runaway children are from fatherless homes.
•The Journal of Research in Crime and Delinquency reports that the more absent the father, the higher the rates of violent crimes.
Again
…and congratulations on becoming an “Honorary AutismOne Dad”!
Dear David, Thank you for
Dear David,
Thank you for sharing your story. I know sharing isn't always easy, but sometimes men need that extra push, acceptance to take that step.
Men are SO important to our kids, it is amazing the difference it makes. I have always wanted a male therapist for our son & just last week got one! It was amazing to see the difference and the instant connection for the first time in nearly 12 years of therapy. Our son responds so well to his dad, I knew it would be great for him.
We need our dads to stay healthy & happy, our kids are going to need them for the long haul. It is oftentimes easier for moms to share as we are more connected to other moms in our shoes. I hope that this site will be a place where dads can talk with one another & encourage one another to be active in all areas of treatment and lives of their kids. With autism affecting more boys, they need that male role model just as much if not more than the typical son.
So glad that there are dedicated professionals such as yourself to be on the frontlines with us parents!
Hugs!
Laura
Courage
I think it’s wonderful you took the time and courage to write this. It is certainly something worth being addressed in this world of Autism.